Jokes 2014

Shoe

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
 Two boys were walking home from Sunday school 
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl 
Whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about 
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
They give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad 
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to 
Collect all the money!'
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An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male 
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial 
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own 
Mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why 
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
With her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy 
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God 
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him
How Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying 
Down as though he were ill,
And she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little 
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have 
A wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

    1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
    2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
    4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"


"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.


"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."


"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"


The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."


This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"


Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.


"I don't need to," the boy replied.


"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."


"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

 

 

 


 

Some Good Religious One Liners  

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet- spirited;
Until you try to sit in their pews..


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Many folks want to serve God,


But only as advisers.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons

Than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything, without a purpose
But mosquitoes come close.


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When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.


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People are funny they want; the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church..


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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever..


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Quit griping about your church;

If it was perfect, you couldn't belong..

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If a church wants a better pastor,  
It only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead, So why should you!

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Some minds are like concrete

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.


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I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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Alot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises'
Are just sitting on the premises.

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Be ye fishers of men.  You catch'em - He'll clean'em.

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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.


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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.


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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone,
But probably prefers " fruits of the spirit" over " religious nuts!"


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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you controls you!


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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!


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Prayer:

Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!


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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us..


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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message,
The message changes us..



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You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him..


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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


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There is no greater treasure than a good friend!
 


Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
It's about learning to dance in the rain.