Jokes 2013


Children in Church

1) A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

2) One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" 

3) One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

4) A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

5) A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6) A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit".

7) The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

8) Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

9) My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

10) A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"

11) A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Another related joke….a boy was sitting on a curb crying. A neighbor came by and asked why he was crying. The boy replies I can’t see Jesus Christ. The neighbor replied no one can. Then a num came by and gave the same answer. Finally a drunk came by and replied well I’m Jesus Christ and I can prove it. He took the boy by the hand and walked into the nearest bar. The bartender yelled Jesus Christ are you in here again.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough forthe service to continue.


Reminds me of the story about Sue, the faithful Episcopalian and George, her non church-attending husband.
One hot summer day she finally persuaded George to attend service with her. The little church had no air conditioning and it became quite warm.

George stayed one or two steps behind and quite confused - stand- sit - kneel - prayer book - hymnal...
At one point he takes out his handkerchief to mob his sweaty brow, when it is time to turn to a new place in the prayer book.

He puts his handkerchief in his lap. Sue looks over, sees it and says, "George! Is your fly open?"

"No, dammit; is it supposed to be?"


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to let you enter the Kingdom of Heaven?" 

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."            

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed."


Subject: Fw: SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?


A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube anda chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

............Now you know everything


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10...'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)


Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

 

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two men wearing hoodies arrive.

St. Peter looks out through the Gates and says "Wait here. I will be right
back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting at the
entrance.

God asks Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental

about their attire? This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and
let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to Heaven's entrance, looks around, and lets out a heavy
sigh.
 

He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asks God.

"No.  The Pearly Gates."


 

Ten Reasons Ash Wednesday Is Better Than Christmas

10.         No braving the malls looking for Lenten gifts.

  9.         No pressure to send “Merry Ash Wednesday” cards.

  8.         No explaining why using chi-rho isn’t “X-ing

  7.         No dominionist fundagelicals trying to fight culture wars by putting “Jesus resisting temptation in the wilderness” displays on public property.

  6.         No celebrity holiday albums; e.g., Andy Williams singing “Forty Days & Forty Nights” or Johnny Mathis, “Lord, Who Throughout These Forty Days.”

  5.         No Ash Wednesday sitcom specials; e.g., The Charlie Brown Ash Wednesday Pageant.

  4.         No saccharine email forwards about “the true meaning” of Ash Wednesday.

  3.         No tacky Ash Wednesday sweaters.

  2.         “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.” extremely difficult to use in consumer marketing strategies.

  1.         Nobody ever says, “Ash Wednesday is really all about the children.”

 



 

I like the one where the little boy says: Mommy, Mommy, is it true that from dust we are made, and to dust we shall return.

Mommy: Yes

Little boy: Well, then under my bed, someone is either coming or going.


Little Jimmy was walking beside his mother on the way from the altar back to their pew on Ash Wednesday.

Jimmy tugged on his mother's sleeve and said:  "Momma, momma, I have to tell you something!"

His mother said:  "Shhh.....not now."

They reached the pew and Jimmy's mother knelt to pray.  Jimmy again tugged on her sleeve and said:  "Momma, momma, I've got to tell you something."

With a bit of exasperation, she sat back in the pew and asked:  "What is it that is so important?"

Little Jimmy whispered:  "The priest called me a name!"  "What?" she replied.

Jimmy said:  "He called me a name.....Momma....he called me 'butt dust!'"

She said:  "What?!  When did the priest call you that?"

Little Jimmy looked up and said:  "When he smudged those ashes on my head he said "You are but dust and to dust you shall return."

Jimmy's mother nearly fainted from trying to suppress her laughter.

Guess we are all "butt dust" in the end, I mean in the long run.


 

The first set of jokes for '13 is a set of pictures.

In a museum in Prague, I saw some nifty new inventions!


Saves energy!

Holds twice as well.











I think I know some people who could wear this.

The latest chess fad!

Tea cups...

... and the appropriate tea pot.

Clarinet, or clarinot?


And this is no joke!