Jokes 2011


During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.



The Very First "Senior Moment" On Record



And that is what happened to the dinosaurs!


UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He
doesn't answer it?" she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For several weeks,
after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This
soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about
all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by
saying 'All Men'!"


SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy
replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is
Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know."


Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville, and all the way to Clinton , and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran; raised a Lutheran; but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved.... until Friday night arrived. Again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water.... which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer; you vuz raised a deer; but now you is a walleye."


Church news...

1. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

2. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

3. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

6. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


Subject: A Homeless Man's Funeral - must read.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost. It's a man thing.


Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .




The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .




Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .



Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,




'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!


1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10


Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with his suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Get A Hot Mamma

Morris, 82, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc," replied Morris. "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful'."


Preachers

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he
said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him,
I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that
we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We
wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who
was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad
shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ...
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."