2010 Jokes


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he
said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him,
I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one
arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that
we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We
wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who
was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad
shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ...
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.


The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
 
1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,  "Dam!"
 
3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again  that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication..
 
6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain. they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since
everyone liked to buy  flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. 
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
 
9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which  produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered  from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to  friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh.  

No pun in ten did


Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So the three women enter Heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place; it is almost impossible not to step on a duck.

Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains them together with the same admonishment he gave the first woman.

The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very, very careful where she steps. She manges to go months without stepping on any ducks,

One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on -- very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonfer what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."


BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
 
 Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

 More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

 Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

 More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!