2008 Jokes


 

My rabbi told this story at Rosh Hashana services on Tuesday: A frail 80-year-old mother is celebrating her birthday and her three sons each give her a present. Harry gives her a new house. Harvey gives her a new car and driver. And Bernie gives her a huge parrot that can recite the entire Torah. A week later, she calls her three sons together and says: “Harry, thanks for the nice house, but I only live in one room. Harvey, thanks for the nice car, but I can’t stand the driver. Bernie, thanks for giving your mother something she could really enjoy. That chicken was delicious.

 


 

It was a very cold evening in a small country town. At the General Store, the storeowner (Ebenezer) and his buddies were drinking beer, huddled around the stove.
Ebernezer was renowned for his ability to come up with a biblical quotation for every situation.
A fancy horsebox and a new-looking Cadillac parked outside, and there was a furious knocking on the door. Ebenezer opened up, and in walked a well-dressed and obviously wealthy middle-aged man. "I need some blankets for my thoroughbreds" he said. Ebenezer got up, went to the back of the store, and brought back a blanket to show the stranger. "How much?", he asked, "Ten dollars each", said Ebenezer. "Don't you have anything better?" he was asked.
After a second's hesitation, the storeowner (who stocked just one brand of blankets--in various colors) went to the back of the store again, and returned with a different blanket. "This is my $15 blanket" he told the stranger. "I don't think you understand" replied the stranger. "My horses are worth thousands of dollars each. I want your best blankets for them, whatever it costs."
Ebenezer made another trip to the rear, and brought back a blanket in a third color. "This is one of my best blankets" he announced. "Twenty dollars each". "Now you're talking!" replied the stranger. "I'll take five", and he peeled off a $100 bill.
Soon the stranger, the blankets, the horse box, and the Cadillac were on their way, and the locals settled back around the stove, grinning but saying nothing. Then Ebenezer gave a broad wink, and quoted: "He was a stranger, and I took him in!

 


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

 


 

The Man Who Orders Three Beers
An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub and ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows a wee bit, but (with reservation) served the man the three beers, which he took to a nearby table and quietly drank them all by himself.
The next evening the man came to the pub and again ordered three beers and carried them to table by himself and proceeded to drink the three beers all by himself. For weeks, this man came into the pub regularly and when he did, he ordered 3 beers and took them to a table and drank the 3 beers all by himself.
Soon the entire little hamlet of County Kerry was whispering about the "man who orders three beers."
Finally, after many weeks, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the village. "I don't mean to be prying but folks around here are wonderin why your always order three beers and drink them alone?" "Tis a wee bit odd I would be supposin" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other went to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order two extra beers, whenever we would partake, as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the entire hamlet of County Kerry were pleased with his answer and with the reverence for family and soon the "man who orders three beers" became somewhat of a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet.
Then one evening the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender served them with a heavy heart. The Irishman took them to the table and drank the 2 beers all by himself. On the next visits to the pub, the "man who orders three beers," would only order two beers. And drink them all by himself. Word spread around the hamlet quickly. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother, you know - only two beers."
The man pondered for a moment then replied, " You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up beer for Lent."

 


 

Jesus and Women....
My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. He wasn't afraid of water.


My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.


My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.


My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He had a beard.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.


My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus, though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.


Amen to that